The Evite went out this morning alerting the masses to get to getting if they’re going to make it to the shindig. I like putting this out 30 days rather than 9 months. I’ve always gotten antsy with targets too far out in the future. Using my project management experience I tried to load the invite with enough data that only the bigger pains in the ass will have to hassle us for random details.

My aunt told us to amend the Evite and add a part about wedding gifts lest we get boxes of chachkis and other domestic detrius that will be deposited directly into the Good Will bag. A long time ago a wise person told me that if you know someone and care about them, getting something they like is easy. When you give someone a crap gift, it means you didn’t give the effort. Every stupid present I ever got from anyone, I always wondered about how they were raised. I don’t subscribe to notions of any gift is precious and from the heart. If its a crappy gift, its crappy.

That said, we were very specific without being too demanding. No large objects or housewares. Gift certs, airline miles, upgrades or tee times. If it doesn’t go in an envelope, its gonna be crap we don’t need. Someone told me that we cant control what people give us. I expect that will be true and we’ll get some re-gifted crap from someone that Gill and I will stash until its time for it be re-gifted again. And so goes the circle of crap.

It was very easy for me to make all sorts of declarations about how our wedding was not going to be hijacked and we were going to do this our way blah blah blah. Well, that didn’t quite go as planned. Gill and I were made an offer we didn’t refuse, mom would pay for everything but she would coordinate it and it would be at her house in Santa Fe.

Fine. We can live with that. There are far worse places to get married. Sure, its hard to get to, hotels are expensive and mom’s house is harder to find than Hoffa but in exchange for someone else handling the logistics, s’ok with us. Like any too good to be true scenario, the devil is in the details.

A phone call less than 24 hours after relinquishing control of the nuptials gave us a taste of what was to come. My mother was at her friend’s store picking out our rings, telling me, on the phone I had to decide now. Decide on what? I didn’t even see them yet? I think the bride is ‘sposta pick her ring out, not the groom’s mother. Oh the humanity. Gill was surprisingly ok with the ring thing, more than I was. Once off the phone I knew that we had sold our souls to avoid wedding planning hell.

The descent is deceptive. We knew we were on our way into a whole new circle of Hades when mom called to tell us that the dress was going to be designed by yet another friend of hers. Knowing her taste for all things animal print, ideas of what the dress would look like danced like horrific leopard striped hipsters in my head. My sister called later to make sure we knew the direction this could take. Gill assured her that she would not be dressed up like a safari road kill penata.

Options for food were New Mexican Cuisine or… Pretty much that’s it as she knew one caterer. Well, I like green chilies. I hope everyone else does.

Next on the menu is working out the hotel plans, the eVite (no we are NOT paying some geriatric $20 a card for calligraphy and lace) for which I’ll come up with some sort of sweet photo of us as a background.

Where is X-Ibit, to pimp our wedding?

All of the parents now know about the planned nuptuals and now comes the part where people judge their importance in our lives by the order in which they were selected to be told and how they found out. Things like this tend to go over my head as I dont cater to that level of humanity.

I tried to get some of my friends on the phone but didn’t get an answer. My allergy to using cell phones for anything other than very quick communications keeps me from tracking down the people I didn’t get at home. Why do I get so annoyed when I think ahead to the conversations I’ll be having with people

“Wow, congratulations! Thats to great”

“We are very excited. Can you make it to the wedding?”

Makes sure we know how inconvenient it is to their schedule to invite them only a month out “I’m sure I can move some things around, we would love to come out.”, and now tries to determine their place in the pecking order “When did you guys get engaged?”

Here it comes “Oh, we decided a few days ago.”

“Oh, you should have called us right away!”

Great, we should have sent out a press release “It was a busy weekend so we didn’t call many people until Monday”

In retrospect I doubt that scenario will play out. I don’t think (hope hope) we would invite anyone like that.

Right now I’m trying to keep my mother from becoming future-mother-in-law-zilla. Gill is on the other end of the spectrum with that. She wants simple and zero stress. My family on the other hand tends towards high drama. I may only invite my mother and sister from my side. If I keep her distracted with finding a good place in Vegas through one of her super rich friends who “know people” we may get through this with wits intact.